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Ranking QAnon and MAGA Conferences: QAnon John's "Not A QAnon Event" Q Con


Note - John Sabal, who gave himself the nickname QAnon John, desperately wants you to know that he has nothing to do with QAnon. Since he’s threatening to sue the ADL for $10,000,000 for calling him a QAnon influencer, I just wanted to go ahead and clear things up — when I call him QAnon John, it’s because he says to call him that.

We’re going out of order here, because this conference was by far the best one I attended.

First Place
Organizer: John and Amy Sabal, the QAnon power couple
Event: Patriot Roundup: For God and Country
Cost of Admission: $1,000 VIP ticket (GA was available for $500)
Location: A possibly condemned venue in Dallas, Texas
Date: May 2021

Unlike the other conferences I attended, there is a chance you might remember the Patriot Round Up. During an audience Q&A, a man stood up and addressed the disgraced General Michael Flynn. “I’m just a simple marine, and I wanna know why what happened in Minnuh-mar can’t happen here?” he asked, referring to the then-recent coup in Myanmar.

The audience went wild. Flynn, who has since been subpoenaed by the January 6 Committee, shrugged. “No reason. I mean, it should happen.”

And folks, that’s just the kind of stuff they saw fit to air on livestream.

The Venue

I paid $1,000 to use this toilet.

Like most of these events, the venue changed at the last minute. We ended up at a place right by the host hotel called Eddie Deen's Ranch. We were told the ranch had recently been eminent domained, and therefore had no concerns about fall out. But an hour into the first day, I found myself wondering if it was really closing because of eminent domain, or if it was condemned. Signs hung in the bathroom asking us to not flush paper products. When it rained outside, the water soaked the floor inside. It was very similar to an electricity-free hostel I once hiked up a mountain to reach — except the hostel had kinkajous and only set me back $10 a night.

The Vibe

Out of control. Flynn’s call for a coup drew a lot of attention to the conference, and at one point they kicked out Will Sommer (and then we all spent the rest of the weekend talking about where we were when we watched Will get escorted out). Everyone was paranoid, even though 1st Amendment Praetorian provided security for the event. At one point, Amy Sabal watched as a helicopter flew above the event. “Is that yours?” she asked 1AP founder Robert Patrick Lewis. It wasn’t, he told her, but perhaps it was antifa (it was not).

We love our police, unless they’re arresting us for couping!

The trek to Eddie Deen's Ranch from the host hotel required walking about two blocks. This included a short walk under a very well lit bridge, attached to the convention center. I am an adult, so I walked without worrying; this was not the norm. “Liberals are going to throw things at you from their cars, you can’t walk alone,” people would tell me. “It isn’t safe.” Amy and John had to get us a bus, which took longer than walking — but hey, at least we had, uh, military police on board!

VIP Perks

Three star general, five star grip.

VIP ticket holders got a sweet gift bag, as seen in the video. If you weren’t VIP and wanted to buy the swag, it was mostly available for purchase (the poster of Trump hugging the flag went for roughly $20 on its own).

The first night was a VIP only meet and greet featuring Michael Flynn. I was fully vaccinated in March 2021, and hadn’t lied about it undercover — until this night. A mother daughter duo struck up a friendly conversation with me as we waited in line for the chance to interact with Flynn. “This is my daughter, and she’s my last chance to have grandchildren!” the mother exclaimed by way of greeting.

“My brother got vaccinated. He lives in Chicago,” the daughter said, as though that clarified things. They told me they weren’t sure if Chicago brother would be allowed to come visit for holidays anymore, since the vaccine “sheds infertility” (it does not).

Obviously, I started drinking heavily.

After the official VIP event was over, I joined QAnon influencer Jordan Sather and QAnon John’s assistant at a table, where I watched a drunk Sather try to light and smoke a cigar backwards.

Food and Drinks

Sidney Powell was lookout while QAnon John’s assistant stole me this bottle of wine.

You might be wondering why this was the best event I went to. I’ll be honest - I heard a total of 3 speeches the entire event. Well, it’s because the people at this event could fucking party. Unlike some other conferences where everyone did things like attend a baptism after hours, people just got drunk. When a woman told me she figured out how to make her own hydroxychloroquine (peel grapefruits, put them in water, let it sit in the fridge for a month, and consume — please don’t do this), I was able to drink instead of just laughing. Truly a godsend!

The food was, of course, disgusting. For our fancy dinner, we were provided shrimp on sticks that had the texture and taste of rubber. I spent most of the event with one of the organizers, but for this dinner I was forced to briefly interact with the general public. Have you ever eaten rubber shrimp while a loud man sits 2 feet away and talks at you about cryptocurrency and conspiracies for 90 minutes? Have you ever paid $1,000 for the joy of this experience? I don’t recommend it.

As a bonus, this event was the first time I ever saw the QAnon car. Sather, who does not believe JFK Jr is still alive, was bitching about it while trying to light his cigar.

Anyway, thanks John and Amy, for exceeding expectations and keeping us safe from the helicopters full of antifas.

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The Turtle Diaries
Amanda Moore