Confusion and Hope: Panda Man Storms the Capitol
Confusion and Hope: Panda Man Storms the Capitol
More confusion than hope, honestly.
A bench trial was held earlier this week for a man who stormed the U.S. Capitol while wearing a panda head. Jesse James Rumson was represented by former state senator Anthony Sabatini, and the defense seemed to largely rely on the idea that Rumson, much like the Pillsbury Doughboy, has no control over his body if you poke him in the stomach.
Rumson initially entered the Capitol with his panda head on, but eventually ended up losing the panda costume and gaining a pair of handcuffs. He managed to run back into the fray, where fellow rioters helped take the handcuffs off. Once free, Rumson rejoined the riot, yelling to get a ram to beat down a door, cheering when the door was busted open, and aggressively grabbing a cop’s helmet.
Frankly, it’s pretty bog standard stuff for a casual J6er. But the story Rumson attempted to paint in court was a far more fantastical tale, one befitting of a panda man on his big day out. And I hope you enjoy it, because I had to write things down really fast until my hand hurt, and sometimes it was a lot of work to not laugh out loud in court.
Get a Ram!
Rumson was shocked, he explained, when he saw the video of himself yelling that the rioters should use a ram to break down a Capitol door. He said he couldn’t imagine himself saying anything like that. “The intent behind ‘get a ram’ isn’t what you’re expecting,” he told the prosecutor. Instead, he heard a woman, or maybe a man, or perhaps both, say it. It wasn’t a command, but a sitcom style repetition of others’ words, made in shock.
After the prosecution played the above video, Rumson mumbled something about headphones.
Rushing the Door (General Admission)
Have you considered the possibility that people were crawling through broken windows and banging down doors because they were afraid the “stadium seating” inside the Capitol would fill up with spectators, leaving them unable to find a good seat to watch the electoral college?
Well, Jesse Rumson has!!!! He pointed out the door, which he had cheered on the destruction of, was already opened by the time he walked through it. Maybe the police wanted the rioters inside!!! No time to be orderly when there is limited stadium seating!
Hoo-Hoo!
As Jesse Rumson made his way to the line of police, he was hit by dozens of people in a matter of five seconds. This remarkable fact seems to be the most detailed memory he has of the entire day. It’s an important thing for him to remember, though, because those five seconds occurred right before he reached out and yanked at a police officer’s helmet.
Rumson said he was hit in the ribs, and the hit resulted in his arms flying above his head, his hands in front of him, grabbing at the helmet. Delightfully, Sabatini demonstrated this motion during direct, flinging his hands up like the Pillsbury mascot being tickled. Hoo-hoo!
During cross, the prosecution played a clip of the moments leading up to the helmet grabbing. In the beginning, she asked Rumson to count how many people left in the opposite direction of the police line. When it was over, she asked if he had been one of the many people to retreat. In a show of impressive commitment to the bit, Rumson said he hadn’t been prepared to look for himself, so he didn’t know if he had retreated (he had not).
Jesse’s Broken Ribs
When the FBI interviewed Rumson, they asked if he had sought medical care after the riot, and he said he had not. Of course, telling the FBI stuff is lame. Telling podcasters things is cool, though, so that’s what Rumson did. Despite not mentioning it to the government, Rumson first started bringing up his ribs in a podcast released in March 2023. By September 2023, he was nailed in the ribs, and by October, his ribs had been cracked. The prosecutor played a video of Rumson pulling a man up over the wall at the west terrace of the Capitol, and Rumson replied that the video was obviously before his ribs were possibly broken, as he would not have been able to lift that much weight with broken ribs.
Snipers
Rumson both suggested the broken doors and windows were welcoming gestures by the Capitol police, and said he had been to the Capitol several times in the past, making him familiar with the way doors usually work at the complex (it is generally similar to the way other establishments use doors). During cross, the prosecution referenced earlier testimony by someone familiar with the Capitol, who indicated there was usually a sniper on the grounds at a certain location. Rumson immediately corrected her, saying that he had been to the Capitol yesterday, and the sniper had been in a different place. For reasons that are likely obvious, J6ers are not allowed on Capitol grounds (or even in the city of DC!) as part of their pretrial conditions. But Rumson repeated several more times throughout cross that he had just been to the Capitol.
So to recap: a J6er who is in the middle of a criminal trial for his involvement in the storming of the Capitol and encouraging violence, said on the stand that he doesn’t really understand how doors work, but definitely knew where the snipers were when he recently visited the Capitol. Okay!
Confusing? Hopefully.
Judge Nichols had some questions for Rumson at the end of the trial, which was a nice effort on his part to stitch together some coherency. He asked Rumson why he yelled things like “join us” at the cops, and Rumson said it was all about vibes and hoping the cops and rioters could vibe together as one. Judge Nichols asked why Rumson had moved closer to the police line, and he replied he was probably just trying to deescalate things. And what did Rumson feel when he left? “Confusion and hope.”
PandaMan the Brand
While Rumson acted like he hadn’t thought about J6 at all since it happened, he has actually turned the Panda Man concept into a brand. He gives speeches with the panda head placed on stage next to him, and does interviews about how maligned he is for his simple crime of walking into an open door. He even broke his pretrial conditions twice to travel to two different Rod of Iron Festivals, which are put on by a literal cult.
Judge Nichols wrapped this up by saying, “in my view, the defense case doesn’t change my conclusion.” And honestly, it’s lucky for Rumson that is the case.
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Really enjoyed this, Turtle.
Sometimes you just read the sentences and you have to read them again because they are so ridiculous that in ANY other context I would call bullshit. But yet here’s the proof.